Dear Heavenly Father,

Not usually good with the greetings, though its been a while since i’ve been honest in these monthly meetings

I forfeited my rights to the lethal interactions

Infinite emotions

I pushed aside the attraction

I’ll be brief in my attempts to a warm introduction

I relapsed again and I’m into the vices in order to function

How do you do?

I mean all in kindness, not trying to be shrewd

Just have weight on my chest that’s been burdening me, started having visions again of the man in my dreams- it’s quite the story to tell, as if you don’t already know, but i’ll explain it anyway

My name is Gabriella

Once bargained my demise, as despite the causes of real life issues

I’m hear reminiscing, needing the Kleenex- but somehow always out a box of tissues

It was my selfless pride that placed me on this lonely road- kept believing in the delusions of falsified promises I know

I chose wrong every time, asking for signs that didn’t align with the lies, the fantasy’s that kept us alive

In a different era we was Bonnie and Clyde

I was shallow inside to think you looked for the assets of a lady who was hollow inside and shaking there asses from 11-5 but I wasn’t wrong was I?

Frustrated and weary I see why it happened as such- you taught me lessons of confidence that my daddy issues couldn’t battle enough

Always choosing but never chosen

In the midst of this storm lord, I left my arms open

Used to being the flower picked till i’m wilted in I love you I love you nots, toxic games learned as childhood tots

It was hard to admit but we met when I was broken

You warned me so I thought but it was me who warned you and none of us listened, this flame now crusted

Trusted in blood but I see father, we didn’t take the same oath

Misled and confused I still marched forward holding onto his selfish life- It was so beautiful

I didn’t realize what I saw was a disguise, his truth under cloak- often wonder what was real

Sickening to think we stuck like Harry Potter

No cloak of invisibility, guess we ran out of superpowers

-I swear god let me finish, only need another minute

We have this talk every hour on the hour in flashes- but I make sure I’m on time just to get snippets of his face in the discussions of my timeline

I called out to you for years, we couldn’t handle it sooner? You said if I came to you, you’d fix it but were drifting- he has his ways and I was stubborn yet here I go again asking for more time

So I pour out all our memories of you and me

Laughter and glee, even the fights that ended in sexual casualties

Looking back at it, he killed me so softly

I was madly in love, the most in love I think I’ll ever be

One for the books and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Now all I just need is to share the story I been directing, imagine a movie and the star was me- not to say i’m privileged as I don’t live lavishly

Maybe grab a snack or two while I guide you on through, i’m self soothing the sounds that get sealed like an envelope- silent as the living ghost

Inhalation drugs just to deal with the emotional antidotes

Magic notes- I’d give you all my Pennie’s just to have his thoughts. The ugly ones too

I had a few problems but we all do

Between the pills and the blade

The negative words and the alcoholic days

Lost in smoke the days of daze

I chose a lot of dark moves

Gave my body up and became the vessel to some dark dudes

Wondered often if us never trying was the right move

Not enough to numb the silence

Still fixated on the mirrored John Doe- I pretend I don’t know your name just to forget you but then a memory pulls me back and i’m thinking about our calls

We met a few years ago, but if you asked anyone they’d say we were strangers

They’d never know we went from strangers to lovers, lovers to haters to nothing…nothing at all

They’d never know the love existed

Forbidden suppose we made it all twisted

I warned him father but did he fall victim or I?

We said what it was but I still thought of the things we said them late nights when it was me and you

Here I am defeated, feeling home sick

Without a house of my own- it’s pitiful I know he was once my safe space the house I called home

I often think I didn’t end up the way you wanted me to be

This is why, I just needed to explain, didn’t want my dying days to end in vain

So i’ll clear the air with your holy name

Yet now that you mention it I still have a conflict with you to pick

Was it on your list that my existence would sum up the equations of every batter beaten woman’s life? Always wanted in pieces, never a ring to be a wife- sum of such and such’s shitty life

I often wonder if I ended up leaping into the alternate reality

Whatever that is, still sitting here asking god for clarity- no offense of course your highness or reign?

Never know if those two are the same

But it sinks in and i’m terrfied

That all too familiar cycle

Guess i’m down from the high and the night time starts anew

Those drugs wore off so i’m spilling from the internal broadcast- switching the stations tryna get to Casanova’s interlude

AM or PM, I forget which is the best

Getting to the point, in this movie he had a feature

As god chose man, he was beauty to hells creatures

But I chased him viciously

The grasp, his hold, the darkness that carried me, don’t think it can be consumed

Yet- as I sit in front of you God, I gotta be honest it wasn’t what I presumed, guess it’s what I get, you know what they say when you assume. He took over the movie and turned it to his show

Once a headliner now i’m the feature

He’s the talk show host just learning his lines

It was all a hoax, used up all of my time

But still I sing my songs of him, though bruised not busted

The blues, they’ve rusted and the copper tones confuse me from the blood stain gowns

Or the forced pounds- life’s deepest penetrations

I know the plan was to save him but wasn’t I worth saving?

Trauma they call it, but at 4 am the weeping lingers and my heart frowns

He’s starting his day while i’m down in my slumber safe and sound

We both know I tried hard lord, but i’m left wondering if I was contracted to be hell bound- who forged my signature from the underground?

I’m awake from the screeches and he’s gone it was my fault I didn’t mend his halo, the pastures never greener

I hope he knows I unraveled his mind while he fingered my thoughts

Deepest longing no touch

But he caressed my addictions

Did he play in your garden?

I wasn’t his eden- but we were forever couldn’t tell us any other way

For every pull, man did we push I suppose we no longer could mangle each other’s inner mind

But I linger intertwined in the grasps of sins

No longer welcoming each other with dope and dimes

Did he still smell the land of milk and honey? Or are we pouring out the feelings cus my heads already fucking spinning

And excuse my French but I think this is it

it is where the story ends, and I know that I’ve taken your minutes but does it buy me some hours?

Don’t want the next conversation to end in some flowers

@__mindlessthoughts February 7, 2024 8:54 pm | Selfless: You then I P1